Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize