I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
