they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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