Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
