I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
