I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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