He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
its liver damage thursday
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
