just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
