Porn is love you can see.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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