he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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