Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
