Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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