no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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