I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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