I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize