just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
