Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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