What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
