i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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