i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize