I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you win again, gameday.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
