so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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