you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
