Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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