she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
