I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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