is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
