If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
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I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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