Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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