There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
