Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
