Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
