you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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