i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
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