Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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