She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
