Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
