I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
