matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
