Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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