oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
