Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.