dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.