You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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