So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
