Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
