Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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