ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
