I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
