Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
