Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
