Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
