Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
