I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
