Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
