Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
