I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
