fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
