I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
