I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
