Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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