please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
