I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
